“Hello my precious one; I’d like to have a long overdue conversation with you. Is this a good time?”
“I have nothing to say to you. Frankly I feel “talking” with you is a waste of time. “You don’t know how to listen! And don’t call me “precious”. I mean it. You use this word so casually and frequently. I hate it. You do not know the meaning of this word. I know the “real” you and make no mistake, you can’t fool me with your beautiful words. I know you better than you know yourself. So leave me alone.”
“You are angry with me.”
“I am furious with you.”
“You have a good reason to be furious with me. I have talked about feeling abandoned by my parents most of my life yet I turned around and realized I did exactly the same to you.”
“Big time.You left me at two, how dare you now wanting to have a conversation with me. Fuck off.”
“It is clear to me that I have failed you big time. I take full responsibility for not understanding the depth of your inner pain. I feel guilty and apologize to you for all the suffering I’ve caused you.
“Did you hear me? I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I’m not your client. Don’t play the sympathetic role with me. I don’t want to hear your psycho babble, end of discussion.”
“I feel sad inside for taking me so long to come to this point. I am willing to do whatever it takes to heal our relationship and bring light to our hearts.”
“You have killed my spirit. There is nothing here but hatred and darkness. I am tired of going on with these sad feelings. I want joy and laughter, and I am missing them because of your constant pester. Do you understand me? Do you honestly think that would mend my bleeding heart? Are you that ignorant?”
“My heart is aching inside hearing the painful truth about what I have done. Let me repeat. I am willing to do anything to bring the light back to both of us.”
“Yes, anything. I cannot change the past. I am asking for an opportunity to release the pain and the effect of the past.”
“I want you to open up your deaf ears and listen to me. I no longer want the sting of your dagger piercing my heart. No amount of sorry is enough to heal the wounded heart. Are you willing to let go of your “Psychology” persona and get real with me? I have no interest in bullshit.”
“The therapeutic language I use is ego driven that does not work for me. I thought learning it would shed a light on my own darkness.”
“You are not very bright, are you? It took you only six decades.
“Why did you abandon me? You son of a bitch”
“Honestly, I have absolutely no memory of when you were two years old.”
“Would you like to know? Do you have the courage to hear or are you going to act like a coward again?”
“Yes. I have felt a deep intense fear within me for as long as I can remember. I don’t recall anytime being fearless. I am ready to release this dark energy.”
“You left me there with heartless, savage wolves. A grandmother who was willing to do anything to survive, a pedophile predator man, a male servant who was more like a gorilla violating children in the family and two sexually abused boys who were looking for a target. They needed to release their pain, anger and hatred. Guess who became the target? Hellooooo. Do you get the picture? Can you even imagine what happened to me?
“The choice not to remember; perhaps I chose not to remember what was simply too painful and I was defenseless.
“I protected you! Otherwise, you would have rotted in a corner of a mental institution. You sacrificed me for your own appearance and looking good. What a fool you were thinking that getting good grades in school was going to make you feel okay inside.”
“Yes, I felt miserable and hollow inside and turned to quick external fixes, accumulating achievements, hoping achievements would numb that feeling of void and emptiness.”
“You are using your psychology babble again. What the hell do you mean by “void”. Be real. Can you say it with real words or are you going to be the polite and lady- like psychologist with polished, elegant and intellectual words?” I have not the patience for an intellectual conversation. Got it?”
“Yes, Ok. I need you to be my mirror and remind me. However, those conditional thoughts have helped me survive through tough times.
“Are you happy?”
“No, you know very well I’m not. That is why I’m here.”
“So drop the story for God’s sake. It is OK to get angry. It is OK to express your emotions. Aren’t you tired of trying to please those around you? Aren’t you sick of holding your feelings inside and smiling when your heart is bleeding inside? Are you still going to play that role of a pretender? Are you still hanging on to the persona of a loving, caring woman who does not know how to truly love herself? Are you still ignoring me, even now, right now! You wanted to have a conversation. Is that how you would speak to a two year old?”
“I remember when our children were around two years old. What a tender and sweet age. A stage when the child can walk and experience the glory of independence, a stage when the child, like a parrot, imitates the words used around her. They observe and absorbe everything like a sponge. She is shaped like a piece of clay manipulated by those around. You were surrounded by hungry wolves. I remember a dream I had long ago yet it is vividly in my memory.”
“What was the dream?”
“I dreamed that I was in the wilderness, somewhere. There were huge rocks around me. I was a child and my back was to the rocks. In front of me were a group of hungry wolves with open mouth and sharp teeth ready to tear me apart. I was terrified and felt I was going to have a violent death, eaten and torn apart by the wolves. I looked around, there was no way out. I looked at the sky and quietly asked for help. Suddenly, in the dream, I saw myself like in Chinese movies; I was somehow lifted above this entire nightmare. It was like walking in the sky. I was rescued. It seemed that my body was weightless or perhaps it was my spirit. I woke up and felt again having been watched over by a loving entity.”
“I was with you when you had that dream”. She said softly and lovingly.
“Now, I wonder if you are that loving entity. The loving light that lifted my wings when I didn’t have any energy left. It was you.”
Her beautiful face radiated with White Light. The Goddess emerged from the angry child. The butterfly left the cocoon and began gliding. The miracle had happened. It was a shift in perception. Yes, A Course in Miracle wisely stated “There is no darkness in the presence of light. The duality is the illusion created by ego. “
The light is shining within.
“Yesterday, I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today, I am wise, so I am changing myself.” Rumi