When I wake up in the morning, there are so many stories in my mind waiting to be written. My priority in life is taking care of our grandchildren. When I have time to myself, the first priority is writing the stories within me. I have a whole list of projects to manifest. Not assuming that I have time, there is a sense of being in a hurry inside. I’m the only one to tell the story. I can get help from my divine friends for editing, and polishing later. My husband, my partner in writing, at times is puzzled and irritated by my sense of urgency.
On this day, I don’t feel like writing anything, highly unusual for me. My pen and my notebook are needed pronto. If I’m able to write, most likely I can process and come to some understanding. After meditation and deep breathing, thoughts like passing clouds shaped.
My mother was placed in a nursing home. It was way overdue and was the best logical decision. My sister was basically exhausted and her health was at risk for taking care of our mother for the past few years. Having three full time care giverswas not sufficient. I felt I was in peace sending her my love and healing energy praying for her soul.
What is going on within me? My soul needs a time out to process. Words show up as I turn off my mind and let my Higher-Self guides me. My mother is the type of a person that speaking respectfully, would be called an “energy zapper”. She is a survivor of severe trauma from infancy. I wrote a whole collection about her life and my relationship with her called Scars, yet still my heart and soul longs for her being in peace.
Her birthday is on March 10, not sure exactly how old she is. She always said her birth certificate was issued much later after her birth and was added years to give her as a bride sooner. Historically, there is truth to this phenomenon. Knowing her, she has the romantic heart of a teen-ager in that aged body. She is still the Cinderella waiting for her prince charming.
Listening to my inner voice, I wonder if she is frightened being in a strange place feeling unloved and abandoned. There is no doubt. This is the best placement for her at this time. While she seems to have memory impairment, she is sharp when it comes to hurting others with her words to the last communication.
Viewing a trauma series by Hay House, the presenters suggested that trauma is genetically passed to the next seven generation impacting the brain and nervous system with repeated emotional patterns. My mother’s extreme phobias and emotional persona is similar to Holocaust survivors. I wonder what she hadexperienced in infancy to have such impact on her. I’m aware of the effect on myself and a long-life journey of identifying and releasing those impacts. As an untreated survivor, she is impossible to be around.
On one hand, I feel her pain, her fear of death and extreme anxiety and have compassion. On the other hand, she has caused pain to four human beings who have devoted their lives to take care of her for years. How does an adult child let go of a toxic parent? How do we bring the logic and emotions in harmony?
She is the biological source of my existence and she has been the source of deep emotional pain on my psyche. She lives on zapping energy from those around her. Now, no one is able to be around her. My heart is filled with sadness sending healing energy to her soul. May she find peace she couldn’t experience in this life time, in the afterlife.
Repeating the Serenity prayer, I consult with my angel cards. The card is Go Now! Suggesting to let go of the toxic relationship NOW.
Happy Birthday Mother, wishing you a spiritual re-birth
Note: The book Scars, My Mother is on Amazon.