“I would like to ask for healing today.” I declared to my friends in our healing circle that takes place under a 500 year old tree. Today, there is a new member yet he seemed that he had always belonged to the healing circle. The loving friends were ready to support me.
“Today is the 5th anniversary of passing of a man who molested me when I was just a little girl.” I was mindful of the issue possibly being overwhelming for the new member. His kind eyes were reassuring and safe.
“I like to make sure that I have released all distancing emotions and all negative impacts of this experience and ask you to join me in sending him unconditional love and healing energy.”
Two of my friends knew about the experience well and we had several healing sessions together. I thought a brief history would help the new member to join in.
As I was sharing the story, I noticed a heavy feeling in my throat. My voice was cracking. Oh God, I had the illusion that I had released the impact of this childhood memory. I had convinced myself that I had shared and processed my inner pain in therapy long ago. I have written pages and pages with the aim of releasing the dark energy. I had hit pillows with a baseball bat to the point that my skin had come off and I had shared the “story” with several trusted friends. The last stage was writing the experience in a form of a short story which I completed years ago.
Now, my tears were showing me that I had much more healing to do. It is interesting how the ego cleverly avoids painful process, denies and seeks pleasure. I shared my story one more time. What I shared was of a time when I was seven years old and remembered clearly. However, he had access to me when I was a baby; an insight emerged, as a candle was directing me towards the truth with a strong flame.
As an adult, I learned that he had been sexually violated by a male servant at a young tender age. Children are likely to repeat the pattern with younger children without any intervention. Perhaps he was simply projecting his inner pain. I was available and an easy target for him.
My friend suggested going back to the age of two, imagining him in my mind and speaking out as a “child” expressing what I had not been able to say or do as a child. It was meant to empower my inner child by dropping the old story of “a voiceless victim” and to create the transformation cycle of healing. The tears were washing away the toxic shame. My voice was trembling as I remembered the old memories. I was reminded again that healing from childhood traumas may be a lifelong process. I closed my eyes to help me feel as a two year old. I had no idea how a young child verbalized her pain besides crying.
A significant shift was felt inside. It seemed as I had disconnected with the trauma. I could not imagine how a two year old child would feel. As I listened to my inner child, there was an echo repeating in my mind, “I hate you.” Yes, I had felt the feeling of hatred at such a young age. That was clear. I could see my child hitting and kicking the abuser. A kick to his genitals was empowering. It felt as though causing pain may make him aware of the pain he had caused me.
A female friend suggested playing the role of my mother in the aim of expressing the pain of not being protected. I looked at her beautiful loving eyes and it was a challenge for me to imagine her as a neglectful mother. My choice was to close my eyes and imagine the face of my mother at the present time. It was easier to feel the anger of the child, feeling I had denied and repressed my anger growing up with fear of consequences. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you…” was repeatedly echoing in my mind. The psychologist in me had minimized the effect of the trauma recognizing that my mother was a severely traumatized untreated child. The two year old needed to feel loved, valued and empowered. She did not have it to give it.
After three hours of healing, I felt the shift inside. I was done with the “story.” The past no longer had any hold on me. I felt light inside as the white healing light was back in my heart and soul. Something had shifted inside, out with the dark – in with light.
This shift took place after 40 years of active healing with traditional therapy and various modalities of healing.
My invitation to all adults violated as children is to be mindful of the process of healing. There is no quick prescription, no magic wand and no shortcuts. It is a lifetime process of layers of healing. Many children of trauma learn to be self sufficient, want to be strong and develop the attitude of healing on their own, having difficulty receiving help. The healing is not a cognitive process that one can do alone. The emotional and spiritual healing happens much smoother when to do the process with experienced, trusting and loving persons who are able to facilitate the course of healing.
Naturally, a seasoned clinician experienced working with childhood trauma is optimum. For those, that seeing a licensed therapist is not a possibility, there are resources within the community from support groups, healers who are willing to share the gift of healing from personal experiences and pay it forward to those new to recovery.
Every step counts towards experiencing the shift. The shift for me took a longtime because my fear and ego had been reinforced strongly and had attached to the “story” unconsciously. The book “Courage to Heal” is a possibility for those who do not have access to a healer. For me, this significant shift took place after many years of active healing with traditional therapy and various modalities of healing. Healing is not only a possibility, it is a reality.