A Conversation With My Inner Child

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“Hello my precious one; I’d like to have a long overdue conversation with you. Is this a good time?”

“I have nothing to say to you. Frankly I feel “talking” with you is a waste of time. “You don’t know how to listen! And don’t call me “precious”. I mean it. You use this word so casually and frequently. I hate it. You do not know the meaning of this word. I know the “real” you and make no mistake, you can’t fool me with your beautiful words. I know you better than you know yourself. So leave me alone.”

“You are angry with me.”

“I am furious with you.”

“You have a good reason to be furious with me. I have talked about feeling abandoned by my parents most of my life yet I turned around and realized I did exactly the same to you.”

“Big time.You left me at two, how dare you now wanting to have a conversation with me. Fuck off.”

“It is clear to me that I have failed you big time. I take full responsibility for not understanding the depth of your inner pain. I feel guilty and apologize to you for all the suffering I’ve caused you.

“Did you hear me? I don’t want to have anything to do with you. I’m not your client. Don’t play the sympathetic role with me. I don’t want to hear your psycho babble, end of discussion.”

“I feel sad inside for taking me so long to come to this point. I am willing to do whatever it takes to heal our relationship and bring light to our hearts.”

“You have killed my spirit. There is nothing here but hatred and darkness. I am tired of going on with these sad feelings. I want joy and laughter, and I am missing them because of your constant pester. Do you understand me? Do you honestly think that would mend my bleeding heart? Are you that ignorant?”

“My heart is aching inside hearing the painful truth about what I have done. Let me repeat. I am willing to do anything to bring the light back to both of us.”

“Anything?”

“Yes, anything. I cannot change the past. I am asking for an opportunity to release the pain and the effect of the past.”

“I want you to open up your deaf ears and listen to me. I no longer want the sting of your dagger piercing my heart. No amount of sorry is enough to heal the wounded heart. Are you willing to let go of your “Psychology” persona and get real with me? I have no interest in bullshit.”

“The therapeutic language I use is ego driven that does not work for me. I thought learning it would shed a light on my own darkness.”

“You are not very bright, are you? It took you only  six decades.

“Why did you abandon me? You son of a bitch”

“Honestly, I have absolutely no memory of when you were two years old.”

Would you like to know? Do you have the courage to hear or are you going to act like a coward again?”

“Yes. I have felt a deep intense fear within me for as long as I can remember. I don’t recall anytime being fearless. I am ready to release this dark energy.”

You left me there with heartless, savage wolves. A grandmother who was willing to do anything to survive, a pedophile predator man, a male servant who was more like a gorilla violating children in the family and two sexually abused boys who were looking for a target. They needed to release their pain, anger and hatred. Guess who became the target? Hellooooo. Do you get the picture? Can you even imagine what happened to me?

“The choice not to remember; perhaps I chose not to remember what was simply too painful and I was defenseless.

“I protected you! Otherwise, you would have rotted in a corner of a mental institution. You sacrificed me for your own appearance and looking good. What a fool you were thinking that getting good grades in school was going to make you feel okay inside.”

“Yes, I felt miserable and hollow inside and turned to quick external fixes, accumulating achievements, hoping achievements would numb that feeling of void and emptiness.”

“You are using your psychology babble again. What the hell do you mean by “void”. Be real. Can you say it with real words or are you going to be the polite and lady- like psychologist with polished, elegant and intellectual words?” I have not the patience for an intellectual conversation. Got it?”

“Yes, Ok. I need you to be my mirror and remind me. However, those conditional thoughts have helped me survive through tough times.

“Are you happy?”

“No, you know very well I’m not. That is why I’m here.”

“So drop the story for God’s sake. It is OK to get angry. It is OK to express your emotions. Aren’t you tired of trying to please those around you? Aren’t you sick of holding your feelings inside and smiling when your heart is bleeding inside? Are you still going to play that role of a pretender? Are you still hanging on to the persona of a loving, caring woman who does not know how to truly love herself? Are you still ignoring me, even now, right now! You wanted to have a conversation. Is that how you would speak to a two year old?”

“I remember when our children were around two years old. What a tender and sweet age. A stage when the child can walk and experience the glory of independence, a stage when the child, like a parrot, imitates the words used around her. They observe and absorbe everything like a sponge. She is shaped like a piece of clay manipulated by those around. You were surrounded by hungry wolves. I remember a dream I had long ago yet it is vividly in my memory.”

“What was the dream?”

“I dreamed that I was in the wilderness, somewhere. There were huge rocks around me. I was a child and my back was to the rocks. In front of me were a group of hungry wolves with open mouth and sharp teeth ready to tear me apart. I was terrified and felt I was going to have a violent death, eaten and torn apart by the wolves. I looked around, there was no way out. I looked at the sky and quietly asked for help. Suddenly, in the dream, I saw myself like in Chinese movies; I was somehow lifted above this entire nightmare. It was like walking in the sky. I was rescued. It seemed that my body was weightless or perhaps it was my spirit. I woke up and felt again having been watched over by a loving entity.”

“I was with you when you had that dream”. She said softly and lovingly.

“Now, I wonder if you are that loving entity. The loving light that lifted my wings when I didn’t have any energy left. It was you.”

Her beautiful face radiated with White Light. The Goddess emerged from the angry child. The butterfly left the cocoon and began gliding. The miracle had happened. It was a shift in perception. Yes, A Course in Miracle wisely stated “There is no darkness in the presence of light. The duality is the illusion created by ego. “

The light is shining within.

 “Yesterday, I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today, I am wise, so I am changing myself.” Rumi

Wheatgrass

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The Persian New Year was arriving in two days; the first day of spring with the message of love in Nature.

Our dinner guest looked at our Haft Seen for Norouz and asked “Where is the wheat grass or “Sabzeh”?” She asked.

“We have a loving friend who each year gives us the most beautiful wheat grass. At times, she simply leaves it at our doorstep. She says she does not want to promise, because sometimes they do not grow as well as expected.

She is one of the most loving persons I have ever met in my life. We no longer buy the wheat grass from the market. Hers is a work of art.

We opened the door, as our friend was leaving. She looked outside and asked “What is that?”

There was a paper grocery bag left at our door. We picked it up and sure enough it was our wheat grass delivered without any notice on the last Tuesday of the year, “Chahar Shanbeh Soori.” On this night, Persians jump over the open fire as a symbol to release all the negative energy to the sacred fire, a process of cleansing ready in preparation for the new year.

It sure was not a coincidence; I felt our friend now understood my big smile and had the pleasure to share our joy right there. My heart was filled with so much love, joy and gratitude.

As I went to bed, my memory took me to years ago to my childhood with a smile on my face. Her father and my father were close friends since school. They were friends for about eight decades.

My father got married first and naturally his best friend was there. When my father’s friend was getting married, my parents were right there when he met his bride to be for the first time. We called him Uncle and loved him dearly.

Our fathers were both military men. Yet he was a man of literature, poetry and deep affection. I simply could not imagine him being in the army. I guess in those days people were accustomed to sending young boys to military school. For some families it was the best option for higher education and for others it was for their sons to become strong and disciplined men. I heard from him that a couple of times that he had escaped military school and rode the bus to his hometown, only having been forced to go back. I loved his poetry.

When my brother was born, he wrote a beautiful poem for him; one of the best poems that I have ever read. His writing reminded me of Rumi’s poems.

They had four children. We were close in age and enjoyed playing together whenever our families got together. I loved their family. The three sisters were so loving as one can imagine yet the youngest had a heart of gold. She is 12 years younger than me.

IMG_0106I came to the U.S. and got preoccupied with academic survival and lost contact. It is interesting how our paths cross. Many years passed, then I got a phone call from my uncle that they were visiting their youngest daughter in San Diego, 1 ½ hour away from us. We had exchanged information. My heart was filled with joy for the possibility of reconnecting with them.

We drove to San Diego, the weekend after our conversation. For me, it was as reuniting with my soul sister.  She now was a mother of two children and somehow our age difference did not matter at all.

The reunification was heartwarming. Tears of joy were present and the laughter was filling the air. We had so much to cover and so much to share. Our children meeting for the first time, witnessing the joy of their parents, became friends within minutes and left us to play together.

Men play backgammon in Iran and there is a whole culture around the bragging of the players to intimidate the opponents. I remember as a child sitting for hours when our fathers played backgammon; not really interested in the game but having high interest in the exchange and the conversation. I still remember how happy my father was having a big smile as if “life was great” with his beloved friend.

I longed to get to know her all over again and deeply touched by her warm and loving energy. The universe was kind to me and my family. After a few years, they moved much closer to us and now we were able to visit more frequently.

The warm memories are all in my mind. I become aware – smiling, laughing by myself and enjoying my internal process. It is going to be tough to choose only a few memories. I will trust my intuition.

Our oldest son is an actor. He had the lead role in an independent movie called “Ocean of Pearls,” my favorite of all his acting roles. When the movie was being shown for the first time in a film festival in Los Angeles, I contacted all of our friends inviting them to come on a Friday at 1 PM. I was so excited and simply had to be there hours before the movie was scheduled. I felt like a young child going to Disneyland for the first time. My heart was pounding with joy and excitement. I could hear the beating of my heart, feeling that it was one of the happiest moments of my life.

When we arrived at the movie theater, hours before the show time, I saw my friend and her family there before me! That was not possible! I felt her deep love for our son and our family. She felt exactly as I did. We were hugging and laughing with such excitement that our joy was attracting others in the film festival. We couldn’t take enough pictures with posters and displays for the movie. We were going to meet the director and the cast and I wanted her to be right next to me, holding her hand, taking videos and more photos. The twinkle in her eyes and the radiant smile on her face was reflecting her loving heart.

The movie was shown in many film festivals and theaters in Southern California. Guess what? Every time, she was there a head of me with her family inviting all her friends, co-workers, anyone she knew as I did.

One time, our son commented, “they filled the theater with all our friends.” The public relations person didn’t need much to do!

She is a friend who is the first one there in time of need. The universe brought a tough life lesson to our daughter and our family. She was diagnosed with a rare kind of skin cancer needing immediate operation. When we came home after the operation, my beloved friend was there with the most beautiful long stem red roses that would bring a smile and healing, no matter what the challenge may be. We held each other, cried together and she gave our daughter a sacred power object to protect her body and soul. Her loving energy gave us the encouragement to go through the recovery smoothly.

When our daughter was getting married and wanted a very small gathering of only family and the closest friends, she immediately offered her home for the gathering. Her home is without a doubt one of the most beautiful homes I have ever seen. Her home looks like a beautiful museum filled with interesting, unique with authentic furniture. They have a unique collection of arts from all over the world. One would imagine that the home was decorated by a famous French decorator. No, the home simply reflects the love and warm energy of the family. Can you imagine offering your home for a wedding gathering? The depth of her love has helped me go through many life lessons.

I do not have any blood relatives in our area. However, when it is time for family like the Persian New Year, Christmas, Thanksgiving or New Year or other holidays; they are our family.

If one year while you are watching a movie award ceremony celebrating the male actor and suddenly you see two women screaming at the same time with joy from top of their lungs, it is US cheering for our son.

” You can cut all the flowers, but can not keep Spring from coming.” Pablo Nemuda

Persian New Year 1394

Happy Persian New year
On this new year, may
Your body be in good health
Your heart filled with love
Your soul be in peace
You have enough food to eat
Clean air to breath
Healthy water to drink
You have a roof over your head
Clothes to protect your body
Enough money for necessities of life
You live every moment of life with joy
You have twinkle in your eyes
A radiant smile on your face
You love self and others exactly as we are
You release the past
Forgive those who caused you pain
Bring the White Light to your soul
Embrace life lessons as they are
Free your heart from all distancing emotions
Release all resentment, open the path to personal freedom
Feel loved and honored beyond your imagination
On this first day of Spring,let’s renew life as nature does
Norouz Mobarak
With love,
Ellie