The Last Breath

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He thought of himself as a “Water Boy”. He loved the ocean, fascinated by the waves, loved to dive into the wave or ride them to the shore. Born under the Zodiac sign of Scorpio, a water sign, years later by studying Astrology, he understood his connection with the ocean.

On this day, the young man was enjoying the tide as usual.  He was not aware of his fatigue and the increasingly stronger tides. Suddenly, he was hit by a huge surf. He realized how tired he was. It felt as if the tide picked him high and had beaten him down. He panicked. He broke down inside.  He couldn’t think and felt he was in serious danger. He had never felt like this before. A thought emerged for the first time in his life – he realized he was going to die! He thought to himself, “what a fool I am. I never thought I would die like this at such a young age.” He couldn’t breathe. The waves battered him. Facing his death, he drew his last breath.

With that thought, he prayed, “Please forgive me for my sins.” He thought to himself, “I am going to die and I’d like to die peacefully.” He felt he had a choice to die in peace or in fear. He accepted his destiny. The inner chaos of a moment ago disappeared and he felt total peace within. His body was going down slowly and gracefully. He noticed the sun’s light shining through the water. It was beautiful. He thought he was giving his body to this sacred ocean.

As his last breath was ending, his toe touched the ground of the ocean. Something shifted. He felt grounded, felt a new energy. He pushed his feet to the ground and pushed himself up. For some reason he felt completely refreshed with tremendous energy. His mind was clear: Do not swim against the tide, swim parallel! He followed this intuition and soon he was safe and on firm ground.

It is amazing when we let go of our ego and surrender. That feeling of inner peace cannot be described in human words.

It has to be experienced.

 

Happy Birthday, Zahir!

The Ring

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I lost my most precious ring and I had no idea how, where, or when I lost it. I felt a huge loss. I asked myself, how could I have lost the ring? What could possibly have happened? This ring was special to me. It was not my wedding ring. It wasn’t because of its monetary value or a precious stone or anything. It was a simple silver ring that my son brought for me from the middle east.

Our son was in the middle east for one year. That year was perhaps one of the most challenging years of my life. When he returned home, he brought five silver rings, one for each of our family members. They were all too big for my ring finger. However, I was able to find one that I could wear on my right ring finger even though it was a little too big for me. To me, this was the symbol of family unity, love, and bonding which was so important to me. It was also the best daily reminder for me that our precious son was home safely. Every time I thought of him or missed him, I would touch the ring and it as a way of nurturing the bond between us and I would feel deeply grateful that he was home.

I searched for the ring all over the house, every place I could possibly think of and there was no sign of it. Suddenly, an inner voice brought a memory of a dear friend to me. She shared that she had lost her wedding ring and her search of every corner of the house was fruitless. She then asked her deceased mother to help her find the ring. She had a dream that her mother revealed to her that the ring was in her glove. She woke up in the middle of the night, checked her gloves and, sure enough, the ring had come off her finger and was in the glove.

I live in Southern California with beautiful winters and warm sunny days. I never wear gloves. The only time I really wear them are to wash the dishes. I felt a great deal of joy and hope as I thought the ring must have come off from my finger when I was washing the dishes. I rushed to the kitchen and examined the yellow gloves thinking I was going to find the ring. I was extremely disappointed when the gloves were empty. I wished my friend’s mother could come to my dream and guide me too. There was a feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness. There was nothing I could do. I had to let go and accept the loss. I felt as if I had lost a part of my heart. I wondered if our son noticed that the ring was no longer on my finger. He didn’t say anything.

It was the summer of 2008 and on a beautiful, sunny day, I decided to trim the trees in our front yard. I was recovering from an autoimmune illness that limited my movements. This was a celebration for me being able to use the long tree trimmer and do it myself. It was very difficult to reach the tall branches and took a great deal of effort for me. As I was struggling, my dear neighbor, a wonderful lady and a great gardener came out and offered to help me. I felt a special kind of closeness with her from the moment I met her. She had the most beautiful and kind eyes with the face of an angel. As we got to know each other, I learned that she had been taking care of her beloved husband who had some health issues for years. I learned she was a Leo, a woman with a loving heart. I loved watching this couple together. I wondered if it was her love that gave him the energy and courage to face the medical challenges. Before I knew, the new neighbor had become a dear friend for me and our relationship became of a soul connection.

She brought her ladder and in that hot summer day, she held the ladder for me so I was able to reach the tall branches. Her support meant so much to me. I felt we were a great team. I admired her love for trees, plants, and flowers. Her garden was the most beautiful one in the whole neighborhood. Now, she was helping me with our trees. I felt honored and loved. I usually have difficulty starting a big task. However, once I start, I cannot stop until I finish it. I was so wrapped up in reaching the high branches and when I looked down, I noticed my precious friend was sweating. It was time to stop.

Like a real Leo, she stayed with me to clean the whole yard. I went inside to bring her a pair of gardening gloves and one for myself. She declined and said she did not need them. I put a pair on and finished cleaning. It felt so good with the job well done. I took the gloves off and AHHH, there was my precious silver ring!!! I screamed with joy. My dear friend looked at me with her eyes asking what was going on. I was jumping up and down like a young child with joy and laughter and then hugged her tight. I shared the story with her and thanked her for being the channel for me to find the symbol of my unity with our son. She became the guiding angel I had asked for and I felt this was a “sign” that the soul connection between my son and me was intact.

My next project is to invite the whole family and measure their ring fingers and take the rings to a jeweler to adjust them for each of us. I love and honor the symbol our son chose for our family. I remember once for a school assignment, he designed a symbol of unity for our city of residence. It was two hands coming together, almost in a shape of a tulip.

Today, as I’m sitting on this beautiful beach listening to the sound of the waves and feeling the sun’s warmth sun on my skin, I touch my ring smiling and thanking the universe for blessing me with such an enlightened being and an advanced soul as our beloved son. Somebody in the other dimension heard the longing of my soul and responded. Thank you.

Red was Here

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“Mom dogs are such wonderful and loving companions. Why wouldn’t you want to have a dog?” Our oldest son was suggesting.

“I am enjoying my freedom now. I get attached quickly if I have a dog. For me, it is like having a baby.”  I said.

“ No dogs are not like babies at all. Babies require constant care. Dogs will give you so much love and affection and all you need to do is to feed them and  take them out for walks. That’s it!” He persisted.

“ I agree that dogs are a symbol of unconditional love and are loving companions, however, I am not ready for the responsibility of it. As of now, we have to the freedom to go away anytime we want.”

“ You can leave the dog with me whenever you go away.”

“I feel touched by your love, passion and encouragement, the fact is that you travel all the time because of work. How can we count on you?”

“There are always friends who help each other with pets, it’s not a big deal.”

“Pets become like children. You cannot just leave them with anyone. I recall how cautious I was when you guys were growing up. I only trusted my close friends, mothers of same age children when I had obligations.”

“You are making it harder than it is. Dogs are independent and can be left alone. They sleep when you are not home and greet you with love when you come home. I don’t understand why are you resisting the idea? They kill them if no one adopts them.”

“Now, I feel my guilt buttons are being pushed. I feel it is a great experience for you and your partner to take care of the two dogs to prepare you for parenting children. I am enjoying our freedom now so I will let you know if and when we are ready to have a dog and will revisit this issue.”

I could see the disappointment on his face and lack of understanding. I recalled when he was about 13-14 years old, he asked us to get him a Husky. At the time, we were experiencing some challenges with him related to sharing household responsibilities. He was a fun loving guy who wished to play. He would reason like a philosopher that there was no reason to make his bed in the morning because he‘d be gone all day and goes to bed at night.

My husband and I explored the possibility of a husky, discussed the issue for hours. It might be a good experience for him to have a dog to help him grow and accept responsibilities. On the other hand, I felt his image of having a dog would be the few minutes of going to the park and running around throwing a ball. Would he take responsibility of feeding the dog regularly, taking it for walks? What about the immunizations? Fleas? Illness? Training school? Huskies are big dogs. I was already overwhelmed with family responsibilities, raising three children, working full time and running a household.

We decided it was not a good idea at the time. Our son was disappointed which was heart-aching for me. But we knew nothing about caring for a dog. It was time for introspection, going within. I was aware of my resistance. I love animals. I love dogs, especially therapy dogs. Is there something in my subconscious? Then a child hood memory emerged.

When I was 7 years old, there was a stray cat that regularly visited our home asking for food. We put leftover food for the cat that ate and left. In our backyard, we had a glass-covered nursery for plants in the winter. There were many items stored there also. One spring day, when all the flowers were out in the yard and the glass storage was rather empty. I was in the yard when I heard the sound of “meow” from the storage. It sounded like kittens crying. I was curious, went inside and saw three newborn kittens in a flat container with a piece of cloth on it. Oh wow, the stray cat that visited had kittens! I looked around for her, wondering where she was and why she had left her babies? My maternal instinct was triggered; I was determined to save the kittens. I went inside immediately and found a flat plate and put milk in it and brought it back and put it in front of them. They did not drink the milk. Now, I realized their eyes were still closed. Perhaps by instinct, they were searching for the warm body of their mother and her nipples. What could I do? I must feed them. I went back looking for an eye drop, that maybe I could fill the drop by milk and feed them. I picked a kitty and tried to feed him and it did not work. The kittens were crying. I felt powerless and helpless. I knew they were going to die if the mother didn’t come back. Looking back, I wonder if my own feelings of abandonment as a child was triggered. I was angry at the mother cat. How could she leave her babies? What about maternal instinct? What is going to happen to the kittens? I had grown to love them and felt attached. The kittens ended up crying to death.

Now, almost six decades later, I still can hear the cry of the kittens.  Perhaps it’s related to my first experience of loss. I wonder if the impact at such a tender age had left a scar my heart more that I was aware of.

It is June 2014, we were visiting our son and his girlfriend in Berlin. He was there working on a movie. We had a great day visiting Potsdom Castle with a dear friend and were going to a beer garden for dinner in a beautiful park. This was a happy family day. Then, the phone rang and he and his girlfriend were informed that their Pomeranian dog, Red, was not doing well and was having difficulty breathing. They asked their friend to take her to the vet immediately. The vet called an hour later suspecting a heart failure and pneumonia. There was need for many tests and hospitalization. The vet informed them about the high cost which they authorized. Our son started to cry as if he were facing the loss of his child. I looked into his beautiful eyes and hugged him tightly. I knew he wanted to be there to hold Red in his arm and let her know she was loved. Thankfully, Red survived and was released after a few days.

The loving bond between two beings is sacred and the loss is painful. Our precious Red left her body on November 11, 2014. Her loving eyes & spirit will always be remembered. She was loved by all. We are thankful for our little Buddha who brought so much love & joy to our lives. I can imagine if she could speak would thank Sabrina & Omid for rescuing her and giving her a quality life with endless love. Farewell Red.

 

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