Release

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Note: Please read the story of Brave Heart posted on before this story.

My husband and I have been together for about 44 years. He is a civil engineer and perhaps the most left-brained person I know. My understanding is that by training he has become precise with everything he does. If he makes mistakes in his calculations in building bridges and other structures, they are prone to collapse resulting in disaster. He has become a perfectionist and needs hard scientific evidence to believe in anything. When it comes to the area of soft science, the realm of the invisible, he becomes cautious and guarded.

For me as both a heart person and trained clinician; my inner and outer world is about feelings, emotions and the subjective. One can imagine how the two different approaches can impact a partnership.

We have a daily ritual of walking. For me, it is a great opportunity to share and discuss the issues in our relationship. From his point of view, why would we talk about insignificant issues on a calm, beautiful, sunny day while walking in a beautiful park. Basically, he thinks that I am creating issues as a clinician when our relationship is just “fine”. He does not find any logical reasons for bringing issues up from the past. The past is the past. One cannot change the past and therefore there is no point in discussing them.

In my opinion, the first five years of life is when we are most vulnerable, impressible, and defenseless. A high percentage of our adult decisions is based on our childhood experiences whether we are aware of it or not. Frequently, we may not have access to our early memories, yet impacted by them without knowing it.

I was asking the Universe for an opportunity to open his practical, analytical mind as to how a childhood event may cause pain for decades in our lives. The Universe responded.

I had been doing a radio program with a soul friend whom I had never met in person. We got connected through my stories. We understood each others pains. I had never met a Persian man who spoke so freely about his childhood traumas. To me, he was a “diamond” among millions of rocks. He was a taboo breaker, going beyond thousands of years of tradition that inhibited expressions of feelings especially for men. In a culture that obedience is expected on many levels, the outspoken ones usually are treated harshly and made an example of.

He and his wife came to California for vacation and we met for the first time. On the second visit, he came alone planning to have a healing session with a friend of mine related to his childhood traumas. In my 40 years of clinical practice, I believe that I have heard about all human sufferings and nothing would shock me anymore. Yet some of what he had experienced was a first for me.

When they were going to have their healing session, I had an inner thought, not sure where it had come from, that it would be a great opportunity if my partner would simply witness a healing session. I thought it might be a safe way for him to observe. Perhaps considering the possibility of unlocking into his childhood epoch that he thought was perfectly normal.

I took a chance and asked my friend about the possibility of observing his session. The look on his face was obvious that he wished for privacy. I have learned in life to ask the Universe without any attachment. We left our friends on the patio in a beautiful summer day and went about our business. They agreed to call us when they were done.

When they called us down, the four of us were enjoying the late afternoon tea and enjoying a casual conversation. My friend is a great story teller and was more than willing to share about his life stories. As he was telling us an engaging story, he started talking about a painful childhood memory; when he was 12-13 years old.

Within a few minutes, he was back, experiencing the painful and shameful trauma. The need for the inner child to come out, scream and cry his heart out was apparent. It was a Divine healing experience. A river of tears was flowing. We all could feel the extreme pain of being tortured, feeling helpless and powerless longing to release the pain he had been carrying for over half a century.

The child needed a nurturing touch of a mother, knowing that his mother could not have protected him back then. My healer friend and I naturally went to him, supporting the Brave Heart who was ready to release the pain of the past. I was touching his shaved head gently, removing the impact of the severe trauma. His father had ordered a woman to pull out all of his hair from his scalp by threading.

My friend was using the technique of tapping, giving loving affirmation to replace the shaming messages he had received. The intensity of his emotional release was majestic. The volcano was cleansing, releasing the hot lava within him. The toxic, repressed feelings of shame and worthlessness were coming out. With every tear, the soul was cleansing itself. His body was shaking – trembling – claiming his own identity, dignity and integrity. He knew he was loved and safe with his friends.

He faced the Tyrant.

I felt such a deep honor being with the Brave Heart while continuing to nurture his scalp, replacing the pain with love. I have no idea how long it took us to come to a point of calmness after the emotion storm. When I was able to look at my partner for the first time, I noticed his loving eyes. There was a shift of consciousness. He had received a Divine gift that perhaps he needed much time to process. I felt now he really knows what I had been sharing and describing to him for years.

His loving heart and soul had been touched deeply. I felt his connection with our friends. I could see his respect and admiration for the tears of healing. I felt he was released from the stigma of “men don’t cry”.

The only time I’ve seen him cry was when his beloved mother passed away.

My gratitude to my soul friend for creating a shift in the consciousness for my partner by showing his deep pain as a man, a Persian man, a universal healer. I know our friendship will help us both to emerge and fly like an eagle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conversation With My Higher Self (The mother – daughter wound)

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I just read this great article about the mother-daughter wound.

I am delighted that women have become more self-aware and are sharing about this deep wound.

It suggested that feeling not good enough comes from women being raised in a patriarchal culture.

Very true! One can observe this dynamic all over the planet.

I see men having the exact feeling also.

Mothers raise their children and unconsciously transfer their belief system and dysfunctional coping skills.

My relationship with my mother is perhaps the most challenging relationship in my life.

What makes it so challenging for you?

I am aware that she has had severe traumas in her childhood. She lost her father in a patriarchal culture as an infant. To this day, I do not know how our grandmother, a young woman in her 30’s raised 5 children by herself, financially, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

You are aware of the impact of the major loss on your mother.

Her oldest brother, who was only 11-12 years old then, became the man of the house at that tender age.

The children did not get to be children and had to grow up quickly as is the case in many parts of the world. Children start working at a young age.

My mother shared that her mother was frequently out of the home and she was left with servants. She remembers many of her childhood traumas.

It is a blessing that she remembers.  It gives her a chance for healing.

That is the frustrating part for me – that she seems to choose to stay in the “victim role”, unwilling to get out of the dysfunctional patterns.

Humans seem to do the BEST they can at any given time, given their inner/outer resources. If they could do better, they would.

I agree. I had this saying on my board in my office at work to help me be aware as I worked with my clients.

What makes it difficult to have the same compassion and tenderness with your mother?

That is an interesting question. There are many dimensions. Perhaps unconsciously I long for love and nurturing from my mother. In my conscious mind, I am aware that she does not have it to give it, yet the longing persists.

It is only human to expect your mother to be loving and caring. It is a heavy expectation on mothers.

True, I have wondered many times whether she would have had any children if she had the choice.

Well, she was a child bride without any understanding of the husband–wife relationship or any preparation for motherhood.

Yes, I feel deep compassion for the child in her. She was an innocent, sensitive, inexperienced child and was re-traumatized by her husband who wanted to train her according to his will.

You are aware that she went from the hand of a tyrant brother to the hand of an army officer. She was perhaps the target of her family’s frustration as the youngest child.

Yes, the older brothers frequently intimidated and scared her from the dark and all kinds of monsters. She is now in her late 80’s and still terrified of the dark and is not able to be alone even during the day.

Like many advanced souls, she has chosen many advanced lessons in this lifetime.

Her behaviors are more like a woman in rage, unhappy about everything in life, dramatic, demanding, blaming, fearful and anxious. She is the most co-dependent woman I have ever met in my life.

You are aware of the symptoms of childhood trauma?

Indeed.

It seems you are frustrated with her. What do you need to release?

I need to release my attachment to her wounds. Release her with love and trust that she has chosen her life lessons.

What is the barrier?

She is extremely fearful and expects me to meet her physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual needs the way she expects.

What is the barrier for you to honor, trust and let her be?

I believe my feeling of guilt and her acting desperately.

She wants what she wants like a young child. It does not mean that you are to meet her every wants and desires.

Where and when I do not respond, she turns the volume of her demands much higher, pushing the guilt button of her longing for leaving the planet and self harm thoughts.

That is painful for any child at any age.

I have witnessed her being under psychiatric treatment since I was seven years old. I have a clear memory. It was heart wrenching. I felt powerless, wanted to make her happy and rescue her.

You bought into her feeling of powerlessness and helplessness.

All my life, I longed to feel empowered and make some sense of my inner emptiness.

You have come a long way. Perhaps there is a long way to go. The healing process is a journey, a process, a life-long process. You seem like you could enjoy a break.

Yes thank you. I need to nurture my soul. I release my mother with love and embrace my daughter with love.

Imagination

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“The brave prince was lost in the woods with his horse. It was getting dark and he did not know how to find his way out.”

The grandfather was reading a story for his three years old granddaughter.

“Then the prince met this beautiful three year old girl in the jungle. Guess who the little girl was?”

The girl was giggling, laughing, and enjoying the story said “It was ME grandpa.”

“Yes, of course it was you! And what did you say to the prince?” Grandfather asked with much joy and enthusiasm.

“I said do not be afraid prince. I will show you the way home.”

The little girl had become part of the story. What a priceless gift for a child! Nurturing her imagination.

I was listening to my friend sharing the story from Hong Kong, after a visit with his granddaughter who is now 6 years old and in the first grade.

“Grandpa, please share the story of your horse again!”

“What horse sweet heart? Do you mean the story of the prince and the horse that I shared with you three years ago?”

“No grandpa, the story of your own horse when you fell off the horse. I want to hear it again please.”

“Do you remember that story?” The grandfather was in awe about the memory of this little girl and the impact the story had on her. He thought to himself how could she remember? She was only three years old!

The grandfather shared:

“Well, when I was 10 years old, I had lost my best friend, a fawn, and I felt very sad, missing my Ahoo. So my father bought me a horse! I was so excited to have a horse of my own, I couldn’t wait to ride him. We became best friends quickly. When I was riding that horse I felt like the luckiest boy ever. We would roam through the meadows. I felt the wind in my hair, chest, and body. It was not like I was just riding a horse; it was like we were best friends. I loved that horse!”

One day, when I was riding him, I had the urge to make him go faster and faster. Suddenly, we came across a stream that my horse could have jumped over easily. He had jumped over much wider creeks before. For some reason, he suddenly stopped! I was not prepared for that and I flew off into the air and landed on my back in the mud on the ground. For a few seconds I could not breath at all! It seemed that the air got stuck in my lungs. I don’t remember if I lost consciousness or not. All I remember is when I was able to breathe again, my body was in pain. I couldn’t remember what had happened. I saw my horse standing over me, protecting me, neighing out loud with all his might trying to get someone’s attention to come and help me. I could feel his love for me and I smiled. I think his love gave me the energy to be able to get up. Love is a powerful energy. I got up and somehow got back on the horse and he slowly and gently took me home.

When I got home, my mother screamed with fear when she saw my muddied clothes, worried that I may have broken bones or had a concussion.

“Grandpa, you are a good story teller. I wish I could be near you and you could tell me one story every night. Did you tell these stories for my mommy too?”

The loving grandfather was filled with joy that his daughter and her family had taken the time to come and spend their vacation with him. His wife was born and raised in Hong Kong. They both spent their sabbatical in Hong Kong being of service to their community. When he lost her to breast cancer, he decided to continue her path. He moved to Hong Kong. When we visited him three years ago and met his staff, I felt this loving, caring, and compassionate man is bringing a world of warmth from his homeland to those around him.

When I will be blessed with grandchildren someday, I know how to create heartwarming stories and take them through a journey of imagination with castles, rainbows, and fantasy creatures.

Happy birthday Avalynn